huwag seryosohin :): Ika

We Asked, The Lourd Answered (Hugot mula sa spot.ph)

You have a lot of fans.

Ewan ko. 'Di ko naman sila nakikita. Wala namang fans ang Sago. Naalala ko mga nakukuha namin, mga nerdy little boys. Ayoko 'yun. Wala akong mapapala sa kanila. Chicks. Gusto ko chicks.

You were never stalked?

Alam ko magandang lalake ako pero… ang mga stino-stalk, mga Bamboo, Rico Blanco. Calling all stalkers. Basta mga chicks lang.

What would you say to Kris Aquino if you bumped into her one day?

How's the head, ate?

Given the chance to slap one of our politicians senseless, who would you whack?

Raul F*cking Gonzalez.

Did you really pee on Gloria Arroyo's image on a bas-relief in your TV segment, "Word of the Lourd"?

Hindi naman tumama sa mukha 'yun eh, sa ilalim lang.

Have you picked a presidential candidate?

My heart belongs to Jamby (Madrigal).

Even though she said all those things about Judy Ann Santos?

Hindi lang 'yun. May pinaiyak siyang military officer kung saan nakakulong 'yung Morong 43. Ayaw siyang papasukin. Sabi niya, "Sh*t ka, babae ka pa naman."

Would you write a column in Filipino?

Puwede, wala namang nag-o-offer eh. [Tungkol sa] lenggwahe at seryosong panitikan. 'Tsaka food.

What do you do when you get writer's block?

I think of the cheques that would be potentially lost forever.

Are you planning on releasing another book?

This year sana 'yung third collection of poetry 'tsaka maglalabas ako ng nobela. 'Yung nobela, last year pa dapat eh. Maarte lang ako, nag-revise ako. Hanggang ngayon, nag-re-revise pa rin. Maarte ako eh.

If you could have a conversation with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

Siguro si Gregor Samsa sa The Metamorphosis. It's not every day that you get to talk to a cockroach.

Do you think alcoholics make better writers?

No, hindi totoo 'yan. Kalokohan 'yan. Sobriety is king. Alak pa (raises a glass of red wine). Cheers to that.

Do you ever read the comments to your blog posts on SPOT.ph? Do you reply?

I used to. Until I began reading hurtful tirades against my hairline and oily nose. Do I reply? Never. But allow me this opportunity: Mutherfuckers.

Who is your dream interviewee?

Juan Ponce Enrile. God only knows the endlessly dark libraries of secrets in that man’s head. But I’m pretty sure he won’t talk about the stuff I truly want to know. Unless it’s by his deathbed and he suddenly begins speaking in tongues.

Please share three things that are on your bucket list.

Beat someone to a bloody pulp in a mixed-martial arts ring. Eat at French Laundry with Thomas Keller personally annotating each dish. Write and conduct a symphony. If possible, on acid.

Would you ever get married? Who would you want as your ninong and ninang?

Of course, I would want to get married. But I want the reception in a Chinese restaurant, so that I can witness strangers sharing the same table and the awkwardness of two diners trying to turn the lazy Susan at the same time. Ninong: Preferably some warlord from the North. Ninang? Marlene Aguilar Ivler. So she can pay for my, uhm, basic needs.

If you found yourself reincarnated after this life, what would you want to do in your next one?

A porn movie director. Or a Burmese general.

If you could request one thing from the government (and it would actually be carried out), what would it be?

A well-stocked library in each barangay. And the total banning of videoke and all Lady Gaga songs.

What title would you give the movie version of your life story?

Sa Haba ng Tulay, Nagalit ang Pilay: The Lourd de Veyra Story.

Name your all-time favorite Pinoy love team.

Rey PJ Abellana and Leni Santos.

What do you like to sing on KTV?

“The Times of Your Life” by Paul Williams.

What do you love best about what you do?

It’s never having to say, “I’m sorry.”

Sing to the tune of “New York, New York!”

Start spreading the news

We’re legal today

Happy and gay ang mga gay

Here in New York

These “bekimon” shoes

Are jumping hooray!

‘Cause same-sex marriage na-permit

Here in New York.

Put on your make-up and be pretty,

With red lipstick

‘Wag lang kalilimutan

Ang mag-ahit.

Let’s go na vaklush

Stop mo na ang pray

Withdraw na at buy na ng plane ticket

Fly to New York

Now we can tie the knot

Not only you know what

Thank you to you

New York, New York.

SUBJECT: Parusa

Parusa daw yan sa studyante. Sinampal o hinampas daw nung studyante yung teacher sa muka kaya pinarusahan. Na-verbally abused daw yung studyante kaya nya sinampal o hinampas sa muka yung teacher. At yan daw ang napagkasunduan nung studyante at nung teacher para hindi magsampa ng kaso yung teacher. Puro "daw", dahil hindi sa mismong teacher o studyante nanggaling ang statements. Kung gaanong iba-iba ang kwento tungkol sa video na 'to, ganun dun ang pagkaka-iba-iba ng reaksyon ng mga tao. May mga nagsabing tama lang yan. May mga gusto ding hamunin ng suntukan yung teacher.

Kung mas hihimayin yan, kahit pa puro "daw" ang kwento, kulang. Ano DAW ba ang dahilan kung baket na-verbally abuse ng teacher yung estudyante? Ano-ano DAW ba ang sinabi nung teacher kung baket sya sinampal o hinampas? Ang pinaka impostanteng "daw"... Ano DAW ba talaga ang pinag-ugatan nyan?

Kung sobrang disrespectful ang ginawa nung studyante dapat lang sya ma-verbally abuse. Pero kung nag-over react lang yung teacher at hindi naman grabe ang ginawa nung studyante pero pinahiya nya ng todo, tama lang na masampal sya. Pero dapat sinumbong na lang nung studyante dahil mas mahirap kung sya ang ireklamo ng physical abuse. Ipagpalagay na natin na may ginawa nga talagang mali yung studyante, dapat pareho ng timbang ang parusa sa kasalanan. Kung maliit na bagay lang, pagsabihan. Pag umulit, ipatawag ang magulang. Kung malaking kagaguhan naman ang nagawa, lalo na kung personal na kagaguhan laban sa teacher, tumbasan ng personal na parusa. Sa tingin namin, hindi mali parusahan ang mga studyante dahil naniniwala kami sa "Reward And Punishment System" Pag may nagawang maganda, bigyan ng pabuya. Pag may nagawang mali, parusahan. Yan ang huhubog sa karakter nila bilang tao. Siguraduhin lang na sapat ang pabuya, at patas ang hatol.

"Ang hindi pag-puri o pagbibigay ng pabuya sa taong may nagawang maganda ay kapabayaan, pero ang hindi pagpaparusa o pagturo ng leksyon sa taong nagkamali ay mas malaking kapabayaan."

Pharaoh Tissue Paper 215 B.C.

Matipid na beats

Patunay na ang talent ay hindi nakasalalay sa ganda at presyo ng kagamitan,
kundi sa kalibre ng gumagamit.

Kung ang tawag sa humahampas sa drums ay drummer,
timba-er ba ang tawag sa kanya? Leche ang korni!

Exkobetion Game

Madami ang na-excite sa pagbisita ngayon ni Kobe Bryant dito sa Pilipinas. Pero ang pinaka kinilig ay ang mga naglaro sa exhibition game sa gitna ng UAAP all-stars at Smart Gilas dahil nakipaglaro si Kobe

Natuwa ang mga Lasalista

Natuwa ang mga Atenista

Natuwa ang mga, ahh... Far Easternista?

Natuwa si Kobe

Natuwa ang announcer

Hindi natuwa ang referee

Natuwa ang mga kakampi

Natuwa pati kalaban

"The Brown Mamba"

Kobe Bayan

Pano magka-anak ng babae?

Tuwang tuwa ang kumpare ko after three years nya sa abroad nag-ka anak din siya ng babae inimbitahan pa nya ako na mag celebrate kami lang dalawa.

Walang pagsidlan ng tuwa si pare kasi nga naman pangarap nya mag-kaanak ng babae. Dahil sa pangarap nya naka tatlong anak na siya na puro lalake lahat na ng style at posisyon ginawa nya pero useless di siya makatsamba ng babae.

Tinanong ko siya, “pare ano ginawa mo nitong huli at nakatsamba ka ng babae?”

Ang sagot nya, “wala naman pare kelangan ko lang palang mag-abroad after three years na di ako umuwi pag-balik ko nasa hospital si misis nangaganak at babae pare!!!! “.

Kumain ka na ba tol?