Ika - 116 Banat

Virginity for sale

Binibienta daw nung Italian Model na si Raffaella Fico ang virginity nya. Murang-mura, 1.5 million dollars. Kung ikaw ang nanalo nung 741.2 million pesos Grand Lotto Jackpot nung nakaraan, aba 'e 11 na beses mo pwedeng bilihin ang virginity ni Rafella Fico.

Hindi naman unang beses may nagbenta ng virginity nila ng ganyan kamahal. Sa ebay noon nabalita na may umabot din ng milyon ang offer para sa virginity ng isang babaeng nagpa-bid kung sinong unang makakalaro nya sa kama (or sa sofa, o kaya sa sahig, pwede din sa kotche)

Baket pag international model ang nagbebenta ng sex, bilib na bilib pa ang mga tao, pero pag hindi sikat ang nagbenta ng virginity, mas kritikal ang utak ng karamihan? Pareho lang namang prostitution lang yan 'a.

Binibenta din namin ang "virginity" namin. Very used but in high quality condition.

RUSH SALE
Previous price is 2 million dollars, ngayon 12 pesos na lang.
Negotiable. Trade-in is ok.

The secret to success

*Mag-antay kang magkaron ng kapangalan na terorosta.

*Humanap ka ng MGA BOBONG PULIS na huhuli sayo ng walang dahilan at walang basehan kundi dahil kapangalan mo nga lang ang isang terorista.

* Tiisin mo ang mga torture na gagawin nila sayo.

* Antayin mong masira ang buhay mo at ng mga kamag-anak mo dahil sa sobrang bagal ng pagproseso ng kaso mo..

* After ng halos 3 years ng pagkakakulong, pwede ka nang magkaron ng 470 million pesos.
Sipag at tiyaga nga talaga ang sikreto sa pag-unlad.
Sipag sa pagkakaron ng kapangalan na terorista.
Tiyaga sa pag-aantay na hulihin ka ng mga bobong pulis.

Tang*na halos kalahating bilyon ang babayaran ng gobyerno.
Halos kalahating bilyon na kukunin sa mga binayad nating buwis.
Ang galing-galing.

Sinabi ni Immigration Bureau chief Ronaldo Ledesma na bawal bumati ng "Merry Christmas" ang mga immigration officers sa passport counter sa mga airport.

Kaya daw pinagbawal ang pagbati ng "Merry Christmas", dahil baka isipin daw ng mga tao na humihingi ng "regalo" ang mga immigration officers. Naging diskarte daw kasi ito ng ibang officials sa nakaraan.

Mr. Ronaldo Ledesma, baka pwede namang turuan yang mga officers na yan na tanggihan ang mga iaabot na "regalo/aginaldo" kung meron man.

Kung kaya nyong mag-utos na wag bumati ng "Merry Christmas" para hindi mapagkamalang humihingi ng "regalo/aginaldo/pampadulas" aba 'e baka kaya nyo din mag-utos na wag sila tumanggap ng "suhol/lagay/aginaldo/pampadulas/regalo".

Sabihin nyo na tanggihan nila kung may mag-abot man. Mababaitan pa ang mga tao sa kanila. Pwede din namang maglagay ng sign na "Thank you for your thoughts but our officials are not allowed to accept gifts. Thank you, and Merry Christmas".

Suggestion lang naman namin 'to,sana pag-sipan nyo dahil may mga tao kasi na simpleng pamaskong pagbati lang, gumagaan na ang loob nila. Nakakapag-pasaya na sakanila minsan yon. Mr. Ronaldo Ledesma, binabati namin kayo ng advance Merry Christmas. At hindi kami humihingi ng advance "suhol/lagay/aginaldo/pampadulas/regalo/bribe/pamasko/tulong/reward/bayad".

"Pikon ka? Sipain ko balls mo."

Nung nakaraan, tinalo ng Azkals (Philippine footbal team representative) ang Vietnam team sa ASEAN Football Federation, at naging leading sa group B ang Pilipinas. Magandang balita dapat yan na nakakapasaya kung hindi lang kupal ang coach ng Vietnam na si Henrique Calisto. Sinabi nung talunang coach na yan na hindi appropriate ang sistemang ginawa ng coach ng Pilipinas na si Simon McMenemy. Pinapalabas din nya na mahina ang diskarte ng Philippine team sa football.

'E topak pala sya, tinalo nga ng Philippine team ang team nya. Defendeng champion ang Vietnam, kaya nga nagulat din si Simon McMenemy nung natapos ang laro na may score ng 0-2 (Bida ang Pilipinas.) May mga referee at ASEAN Football Federation officials naman na may karapatang magsabi kung hindi appropriate ang ginagawa ng Pilipinas.

Sobrang na-upset lang ang coach ng Vietnam dahil sa magandang dipensa sila nadiskartehan, at sa harap ng 40,000 na Vietnamese sila natalo dahil sa Vietnam ginawa ang laban. Kung sa pagpapakita na lang ng RESPETO, kupal talaga 'tong si Henrique Calisto dahil pagkatapos ng match tinanggihan nyang makipag-shake hands kay McMenemy, at humirit pa ng "I won't shake your hands, You're not a fair play guy," Ano ka, bata?

Alam naman namin na sobrang napikon ka lang Vietnam coach Henrique Calisto, dahil, nasa inyo ang home-court advantage, kayo ang defending champions, pero napahiya kayo sa 40,000 fans nyo na nanuod sa football stadium. Tapos hindi mo pa naiintindihan 'tong pinagsasasabi namin. Sucks to be you gago.

Congratulations sa Askals para sa panalo nila laban sa Vietnam. Kahit hindi kayo ang magchampion, ok na na natalo nyo ang defending champion. Para kay Vietnam coach Henrique Calisto, may joke kami para sayo na hinugot sa "Catch Me If You Can"

MgaKufal: Konck-knock...
Henrique Calisto: Who's there?
MgaKufal: Go fuck yourself.

Siguraduhin na ikaw ay above 2 years old

Para sa fake na I.D, pumunta sa Recto

Supreme Court: Tunay Na Astig na Barako !!!

Wala nang mas mahalaga pa sa tunay na astig na barako kundi ang kapakanan ng mga tarantado niyang barkada..

TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCE
Palace warned on attacks vs SC

By Gil C. Cabacungan Jr.
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:55:00 12/10/2010

Filed Under: Judiciary (system of justice), Government, Conflicts (general), Legal issues, Politics:

MANILA, Philippines—Senators and a Catholic bishop Thursday warned Malacañang’s blasts against the Supreme Court for torpedoing its truth commission could undermine the judiciary and precipitate a constitutional crisis.

Sen. Francis Escudero urged President Benigno Aquino III’s legal team to be more circumspect in criticizing the Supreme Court’s decision declaring as unconstitutional Executive Order No. 1 that created the Philippine Truth Commission.

“While I also personally disagree with the decision of the court,” Escudero said, “I don’t think it is right to brand the decision as political in a sweeping manner because statements such as these affect the vote of each justice, disregarding their individual opinion.”

Escudero, an Aquino ally and the Senate representative to the Judicial and Bar Council, referred to the statements of Justice Secretary Leila de Lima, who said the court decision “showed characteristics of a political decision,” and Solicitor General Jose Anselmo Cadiz, who said it was “a payment of gratitude” to former President and now Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo who appointed 14 of 15 sitting justices.

“More respect should be accorded to the high tribunal whether the decision penned is favorable or not to any party. I hope the President’s legal team will be more circumspect when issuing statements or personal opinions that may undermine some entities who actually did their job right, like in the case of this EO No. 1 decision,” he added.

Escudero said that it was wrong to declare the decision “political.”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri said Malacañang’s harsh words could “cause an unnecessary rift” between the executive and the judiciary.

But Sen. Francis Pangilinan said the court should be able to “roll with the punches,” adding, “It’s all part of our vibrant, sometimes breathtaking constitutional democracy.”

Respect each other

Butuan Bishop Juan de Dios Pueblos, the vice chair of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) public affairs committee, called on the three branches of government “to respect each other.”

“If the executive is not respecting the judiciary, what kind of example are they giving to Filipinos? I think it is high time for them (to work together) and the President should be like an orchestra conductor,” he said in a telephone interview.

“The Cabinet of this President should be the Filipino people and not just the barkada (close friends) that he has, friends of his mother or those who spent so much for him during the elections. They should not be the only ones who should get accommodated; it should be the people,” Pueblos said.

“This feud is really bad. Really bad for all Filipino citizens. We live in a democracy so they should learn that and should not hold everything because the power is still with us.”

Team beefed up

Reacting to the court ruling, Mr. Aquino on Wednesday assailed those he said were pretending to be deaf and blind and added he would not allow them to stand in the way of his campaign against corruption.

On Thursday, the President told reporters that he had appointed Magdangal Elma, a former Court of Appeals justice who worked with his mother, the late President Corazon Aquino, to beef up the Palace legal staff.

“The person has a significant practice. He had sacrificed a lot when he worked with my mother so it’s really hard to go to him and ask if he could serve again Round 2.”

Mr. Aquino said that Elma and “a lot of others” had been assisting the Palace informally and it was just a matter of “formalizing” everything in the case of Elma.

Fire Ochoa

Former Sen. Ernesto Maceda has called on the President to fire Executive Secretary Pacquito Ochoa who prepared the truth commission order. But spokesperson Herminio Coloma said that Ochoa continued to enjoy the “full confidence” of the President.

Supreme Court spokesperson Gleo Guerra told reporters Thursday that Chief Justice Renato Corona was urging his critics to read the decision. “I believe the decision and the separate opinions speak for themselves,” Guerra quoted Corona.

“Under the Constitution, the Supreme Court has the final option to determine constitutionality and the court has spoken, albeit, without finality since the President can still file an appeal,” Guerra said.

Former Chief Justice Hilario Davide Jr., the head of the truth commission, said the court decision knocking down his panel was “a misapplication of the equal protection clause.”

“There is nothing in the order that justifies the declaration of unconstitutionality simply because of perceived violation of the protection of law,” Davide said.

Equal protection

Article 3, Section 1, on the Bill of Rights of the 1987 Constitution provides: “No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law, nor shall any person be denied the equal protection of the laws.”

It was copied from the 14th amendment of the US Constitution enacted in 1868 after the American Civil War to protect blacks against vengeful ex-Confederates following the abolition of slavery.

The Supreme Court ruling by a vote of 10-5 pointed out that the order creating the truth commission was “crafted to tailor-fit the prosecution of officials and personalities of the Arroyo administration.”

Add letter ‘s’

Escudero said that if Mr. Aquino’s legal advisers were keen on amending EO 1 to hew to the court ruling, they could opt to add the letter “s” to the phrase “past administration” which would immediately broaden the scope of the truth commission which has been labeled as “class legislation” for zeroing in only on the Arroyo administration.

“Since the SC majority upheld the power of the President to create such a commission, the legal team can even explain in their motion for reconsideration that the intent of the commission is indeed not only focused on the Arroyo administration but it includes other past administrations before it as well,” Escudero said.

‘Gang of 10’

Akbayan party-list Rep. Walden Bello said by phone that the “gang of 10” justices should be pressured by the public to either resign or be impeached.

Militant Representatives Teodoro Casiño and Neri Colmenares of the leftist group Bayan urged Mr. Aquino to order the Department of Justice to investigate corruption charges they had filed against Arroyo. With reports from Jerome Aning, Marlon Ramos, Cynthia D. Balana, Christine O. Avendaño and Michael Lim Ubac.

Dean Marvic Leonen: Tunay Na Astig na Barako !!!

Ang tunay na astig na barako ay umaamin ng pagkakamali sa kapwa tunay na barako.

2 UP lawyers also accused of plagiarism

By Nikko Dizon
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:57:00 12/10/2010

Filed Under: Judiciary (system of justice), Legal issues

MANILA, Philippines—Two lawyers who have actively sought the resignation of a Supreme Court justice on grounds of plagiarism are themselves being accused of the same offense.

Marvic Leonen, the dean of the University of the Philippines’ College of Law, has offered to resign in response to the accusation of Philippine Social Justice Foundation Inc. (Philjust) that he and Harry Roque, also a UP law professor, had plagiarized parts of separate articles they had written.

“It’s an honest mistake but one which I should acknowledge and apologize for, and basically meet the penalty [for]. I thought that part of it, maybe a huge part of it, is to offer to resign the deanship of the UP College of Law,” Leonen said in an interview on Wednesday night.

Leonen had just then sent a resignation letter to UP Diliman Chancellor Sergio Cao who, the Inquirer learned, had yet to act on the matter at press time.

An expert in environmental and indigenous peoples laws, Leonen also currently chairs the government panel in the peace talks with the separatist Moro Islamic Liberation Front.

He is the 13th dean of the UP College of Law, from which he graduated in 1987.

Owen Lynch, a visiting professor at UP and the author of the work Leonen supposedly plagiarized, has immediately cleared him of wrongdoing.

He said in a letter to Cao that as the co-author of the work that Leonen had supposedly plagiarized, he did not “share [Philjust’s] conclusion.”

But Leonen said: “[My] instinct has always been if you commit a wrong, you have to acknowledge it immediately. You don’t hide it, you don’t make excuses for it. And you admit there is a mistake and [ask] yourself what you can do better.”

The ‘same act’

Philjust, which describes itself as a nonstock, nonprofit
group that promotes social justice among the working class, sent separate letters early this week to Leonen and Roque saying that while they had both accused Supreme Court Associate Justice Mariano del Castillo of plagiarism, they “may also have engaged in the same act.”

The letters were signed by lawyers Samson Alcantara, Lope Feble, Mariano Santiago and Pedro Dabu Jr.

Roque had exposed Del Castillo’s supposed plagiarism in the decision that he wrote dismissing the petition of Roque’s clients, Filipino wartime “comfort women,” that the government compel Japan to apologize and compensate them for sex slavery.

Leonen and 36 other UP law professors had issued a statement calling for the “restoration of integrity” in the Supreme Court and Del Castillo’s resignation amid the plagiarism issue.

In response, the high court told Leonen et al. to explain why they should not be sanctioned for purported violation of the lawyers’ Professional Code of Responsibility when they issued the statement.

Leonen told the Inquirer on Wednesday night that he was standing by his and his UP colleagues’ position against plagiarism.

“As a matter of fact, this is my way of saying that perhaps we should start to restore integrity now in our institutions,” he said.

Rough draft

In its letter, Philjust said Roque might have plagiarized parts of his article, “The Proposed Philippine Anti-Terror Bill: An Act Legitimizing the President as Chief Execution Officer,” which it found posted on the website of the militant party-list group Bayan Muna in 2007.

But Roque told the Inquirer by phone that the article on Bayan Muna’s website was a rough draft that was never published.

He said the final article published in the Asia Pacific Yearbook of International Humanitarian Law in the same year under a different title had all the proper attributions.

In a separate statement, Roque invited Philjust to review the final article titled “The Basis of (In)security: The Human Security Act of the Philippines.”

“While I am curious about [Philjust’s] effort to single out dean Marvic Leonen and myself, and at this particular time, I suggest that a better indication of their ‘social justice’ advocacy would be to join the rest of the law schools, as well as scholars from abroad, in indicting Justice Mariano del Castillo for a clearly plagiarized work,” Roque said.

He added: “This is the only time I will respond to this group’s effort to divert attention from the true scandal.”

Embarrassment

Leonen said in response to a question that the accusation was “definitely an effort to embarrass” him.

“It was not a letter solely addressed to me or professor Roque. If it was an honest critique, then there could have been no ‘copy furnished,’” Leonen said.

“Suffice it to say I know there is a mistake in the article in the way that it was cited. Well it’s proper that we attend to that mistake and learn from it rather than hide and not acknowledge it,” he said.

The article in question, “Weaving Worldviews: Implications of Constitutional Changes to the Indigenous Peoples Rights Act of 1997,” was published in the journal of the Integrated Bar of the Philippines in 2004.

According to Philjust, Leonen lifted paragraphs and ideas from an unpublished dissertation of Lynch and an amicus curiae (friend of the court) brief that the latter co-authored with another foreign scholar in 1999.

Philjust’s letter to Leonen read in part: “Since this matter is of national importance, as it involves the Supreme Court itself, we feel obligated, as members of ... Philjust and in the spirit of fair play, to call your attention to the alleged plagiarism so that you can take the necessary steps to settle this issue once and for all. For we all agree that one who goes to court must do so with clean hands.”

Collaborative work

But Lynch himself absolved Leonen, with whom he has been collaborating for more than two decades as scholars and academicians, of wrongdoing.

He added that Leonen had assisted him in his works “without compensation and recognition,” including a work on an indigenous community

in Nicaragua that was used by the community to file a suit against the Nicaraguan government in the Inter-American Court on Human Rights.

Dear Tunay na Astig na Barako staff ,

Nautusan ako ng asawa kong mamalengke mamayang hapon. Tanong ko lang, papaano ba kumilatis ng magandang talong sa makabarakong paraan?

Nagmamahal,
zhurutang

Dear zhurutang,

ang pamamalengke ay gawain ng Di Tunay Na astig na barako. ang Tunay Na Astig Barako ay hindi namamalengke, dahil may babaeng gagawa noon para sa kanya. tatawagin na lang ang TNAB kung kakain na.

Tunay na Astig na Barako staff


Alin ba ang higit na mainam, LOTTO o JUETENG?

Sa lotto… kayrami nang napahamak. Sarili’t pamilya’y nalagay sa pa­nganib… at may nagbuwis pa ng buhay.
Sa jueteng… maliit lang nga ang tama pero kinabukasa’y gaganda… pwede ka pang maging governor!


Jhakolito Vuzero



Payo ni Dok sa mga PROBLEMADO… laging mag-J.A.K.O.L.!
J-ust
Always
K-eep
O-n
L-aughing

J.A.K.O.L. na!!!


Pampagising Activity

Pampagising activity ng mga teachers:
Kung ikaw ay masaya tumawa ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya tumawa ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya buhay mo ay sisigla
Kung ikaw ay masaya tumawa ka

Pampagising activity ng mga sosyal na teachers:
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it then you really got to show it
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

Pampagising activity ng mga relihiyoso:
Kung ikaw ay masaya magpuri ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya magpuri ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya buhay mo ay sisigla
Kung ikaw ay masaya magpuri ka

Pampagising activity ng mga holdaper:
Kung ikaw ay masaya bigay mo saken lahat ng pera mo kundi sasaksakin kita
Kung ikaw ay masaya bigay mo saken lahat ng pera mo kundi sasaksakin kita
Kung ikaw ay masaya buhay mo ay sisigla
Kung ikaw ay masaya bigay mo saken lahat ng pera mo kundi sasaksakin kita

Pampagising activity ng mga emo:
Kung ikaw ay masaya malungkot ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya malungkot ka
Kung ikaw ay masaya maglagay ng eyeliner sa mata
Kung ikaw ay masaya malungkot ka

Alam mo ba ang pinakamagandang FEE­LING sa buong mundo? Ang maka-feeling mo ako!




Kung kasalanan ang mahulog sa ‘yo… ako na siguro ang pinakamakasalanang tao sa mundo



Pakainin man ako ng pinakamasarap na pagkain sa mundo… labi mo pa rin ang pipiliin ko



Pakiusap ng 15-anyos na DALAGITA, “Mahalin mo ako…”
Sagot ng 35-anyos na BINATA, “Hindi puwede! Bawal! Child Abuse ‘yan!”


“Anong bawal-ba­wal?!” talak ng DALAGITA. “Kaya ko namang tumuwad! Magaling akong mag-blowjob! Eksperto ako sa 69! Masikip pa ang pussy ko at masabaw pa! Malalaki na ang boobs ko! TRY mo! Masarap kaya?!”


Ikaw ang buhay ko.
SHIT! Luma na ‘yan!
Ikamamatay ko kapag nawala ka.
HALLER?! Gasgas na ‘yan!
Lahat na lang yata ng sinabi nila, laos na! Para maiba naman…
Kiss tayo, walang malisya. Payag ka?



Mahirap pag nakalimutan mo ang dapat tandaan… pero mas mahirap ‘pag lagi mong natatandaan ang dapat mo nang kalimutan.

GIRL: Energy drink ka ba?
BOY: Bakit? Dahil ba kung nakikita mo ako, nawawala ang pagod mo?
GIRL: Hindi! Mukha ka kasing cobra!

Update sa Aiza: Tunay na Astig na Barako !!!

Shalani Soledad: Tunay Na Astig na Barako !!!

ayon sa kim chiu rule, si shalani ay isang tunay na astig na barako

Kim Chui: Tunay na Astig na Barako !!!

Dahil ang Tunay na Astig na Barako ay walang emosyon at di marunong umarte


Inumin ng isang Tunay na Astig na Barako !!!



Di Tunay na Astig na Barako Kodak Moment !!!



Tang Ina this @#$%^&*

AREKUPU subrahasaketa kanengeutenes nakude lemahugutes sapokenes perulamaneanes keneng gahetabones saakungkenabuhenes.
BINASA MO?!

Iyan ang orasyon para sa PENIS CAPTIVUS!
Ingat sa vaginal lock!

Sa isang liblib na baryo, nagtanong ang 18-anyos na guwapong binata sa isang huklubang matanda…

BINATA: Lola, alam po ba ninyo kung saan matatagpuan ang Diwata?
LOLA: Ako ang hinahanap mong Diwata! Ako ang Diwatang makapagdudulot ng mga kahilingan mo, ang Diwatang tutupad sa mga pangarap mo!
BINATA: Pagbibigyan po ninyo ang mga hiling ko?
LOLA: Ipadama mo sa akin ang init ng iyong pagmamahal! Paligayahin mo ako!
BINATA: (pikit-matang nakipag-sex sa amoy-lupang lola) Ngayon, Diwata, nagawa ko na ang nais mo… ibibigay mo na ba ang mga gusto ko?
LOLA: Ano ka ba?! Si Rustom Padilla, bonggang-bongga na bilang Bebe Gandanghari! Si Willie Revillame, nasa TV5 na! Ang TV, 3D na! Pero naniniwala ka pa rin sa mga diwa-diwata?! Eeeewww!!!

JUNIOR: Daddy, may tattoo na ako sa dibdib! Macho na ba ako?!
DADDY: Anong tattoo mo? Agila o dragon?
JUNIOR: Ahh… ehh… Hello Kitty po!

Madaling-araw…

MISTER: Darling, magdamag kong nalanghap ang maamoy mong hininga! Hindi ka ba nag-toothbrush kagabi?
MISIS: Umayos ka nga ng higa! Kagabi ka pa nakabaligtad sa pagtulog! Nakasubsob ang nguso mo sa may kuyukot ko, eh!

“Nadukutan na naman ako kanina! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!” – Ilong

NOON: Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan.
NGAYON: Ang kabataan ang holdaper ng bayan.

Takot ka bang mawala ako?
Eh lalo naman ako!
Ayokong mawala ako… hahanapin ako sa amin!

Sabi ng matatanda, masamang humiga kapag basa ang buhok.
Bakit?
Kasi, mababasa ang unan!

It’s so nice when you’re sleeping and someone touches your back, very slowly moving toward your neck, very close to your ears and slowly whispers.. “Nakikiliti ka ba? Ipis ako!”

PEDRO: Magkano ang gupit?
BARBERO: P150.
PEDRO: Eh ang ahit lang?
BARBERO: P50.
PEDRO: Sige, ahitan mo ang ulo ko!

Umiiyak ang anak pag-uwi mula sa school…

ANAK: Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!
TATAY: O, anong problema mo? Bakit umiiyak ka?
ANAK: Tinukso po kasi ako ng mga kaklase ko. Hu! Hu! Hu! Pamilya raw po tayo ng malaki ang bunganga! Hu! Hu! Hu!
TATAY: Naku, anak, ‘wag silang pansinin! Ing­git lang ang mga ‘yun! Tara, kain na tayo… kunin mo na ‘yung palanggana at pala!

Sa isang restaurant…

PULIS: Etong bayad sa pansit.
INTSIK: Makit ikaw mayad?
PULIS: Utos ni hepe, wala nang kotong. Ayaw ni Noynoy sa kotong!
INTSIK: Okey. Mula ngayon, mamoy na lagay ko pansit, ‘di na daga!

TAONG GRASA: Madam, magpapahula po ako…
MADAM VUHALA: May good news! Makakapag-around the world ka! ‘Yun ay kung sasabit ka sa tambutso ng eroplano o kung lalangoy ka sa loob ng cargo ship na punung-puno ng langis! Huwag ka lang malikot… baka magka-oil spill!

ANDRES: Tinatakot ako ng asawa ko! Humihingi ng sustento!
MATEO: ‘Di ba, matagal na kayong hiwalay?
ANDRES: ‘Yun nga! Kapag hindi ako nagbigay, babalik daw siya sa akin!

BOY: Miss, giniginaw ka ba?
GIRL: Hindi. Bakit?
BOY: Kasi, kanina ka pa nakahubad sa isipan ko, eh!

PLAYBOY: Ang babae, parang damit. Madaling palitan. May reserba pa.
PLAYGIRL: Ahh, talaga? Kayong mga lalaki, parang accessories… pwedeng sabay-sabay!

Ayon sa Health Tips… ang SQUEEZE BALL ay mainam magpa-relax ng mga daliri.
Minsan, nanood kami ng sine ng aking syota. Naalalam ko ang advantages ng SQUEEZE BALL… kaya sinubukan ko.
Effective nga!

Na-relax ang mga daliri ko maliban sa isa.
Bakit kaya tumigas ang daliri kong walang kuko?

HEADLINE:

2 Lola, nag-jogging sa Plaza, GINAHASA!
Kinabukasan… Plaza, nagkagulo! Nagkatrapik!
Libu-libong lola, nag-jogging!

Niregaluhan si Erap ng tatlong tuta.
Pinangalanan ni Erap ang mga ito na Rolex, Timex at Technomarine.
Tinanong si Erap ng isang kaibigan kung bakit ganu’n ang ipinangalan niya sa mga tuta.
Paliwanag ni Erap, “Kasi, WATCH dogs ang mga ‘yan!”

Sa kumpisalan…

JORGE: Father, payuhan po ninyo ako. Kasi po, nabuntis ko ‘yung girlfriend ko. Ayoko pa pong mag-asawa. Kasi po, wala pa akong trabaho…
FR. DAMASO: Ay, naku! Kung papayuhan kita, mauubos ang oras ko! Sige nga. Ikuwento mo ang buong pangyayari…
JORGE: Ay, naku, Father! Kung ikukuwento ko ang buong pangyayari, mauubos ang oras ko! D’yan na kayo!

Sabon ng mga virgin: TENDER CARE
Sabot ng mahihilig mag-masturabte: CAMAY
Sabon ng mga nagko-condom: SAFEGUARD
Sabon ng call girls: DIAL

BALITANG ENGOT!

Isang gobernador, tinambangan, PATAY!
Isang lalaki, nagbigti, PATAY!
At mayroon po tayong latest traffic update!

Narito ang mga de­talye…

Isang gobernador, tinambangan este tinaba­ngan sa kanyang misis at PATAY na patay sa kanyang seksing sekretarya!

Isang lalaki, nagbigti ng kambing, PATAY ang mga manok sa kanyang b-day party!

At para sa latest traffic update… Traffic as usual. Kaya ang payo ng MMDABC, maglakad!
Kung nagmamadali, tumakbo ka na lang!

DIREK: Diego, gusto mo bang mag-artista?
DIEGO: Wow! Sisikat ako! Ano naman ang papel ko?
DIREK: Perfect! Tamang-tama! Nanganga­ilangan kami ng kabayo!